This is something for some reason I refuse to believe. But it is true.. I’m bringing this topic up because I’ve gotten fucked over, as I say, four times by four different people in just this last month! Three of which were my friends before I started using, and one isn’t an addict. It’s like you cannot have a real, true friend when you become an addict, ya know? Like it’s a rule or something.. Like somewhere in the big book of Life Rules, it says Rule No. 3042 – If you are already having a terrible time in life and going through some of the worst times you could possibly go through because you got yourself into drugs, everyone you call your friend will make sure you go threw this alone. No exceptions.
I’m not going to bore you on telling you what these people have done to me, and how much i’ve done FOR them, because who really cares right? Right. What i’d really like to know is why? Why is it that I look around and see girls sleep with eachothers boyfriends and still have stronger bonds than I have with anybody but my fiance. And I’m not the type of addict that steals and robs to get what I want because in my eyes I wouldn’t want anyone doing that shit to me so I would never, ever rob anyone. I, like a lot of heroin addicts, share, I make sure my friends aren’t sick, and I help everyone out. When I say help I mean give the dealers rides, out of town and around town to hit licks, I give addicts rides, I buy them new points if they’re using dull ones, and if i’m eating, they’re eating. Literally and figuratively. I let them stay at my apartment, I take them out to eat, I share my dope with them and sometimes I hook them up with my connects. Usually, my days are revolved around helping people out. So why can’t I have a true friend back? Is it because when I’m out of shit and broke one day they don’t want to share their shit with me? They’d rather have me be sick. Is it because if an opportunity comes up to do me dirty and help themselves, they’d rather do that instead? Like if someone doesn’t like me but they think they can get something out of them, they’ll talk shit about me with them so that they become friends over the dislike of me..? Who really fucking knows. But honestly I’m thinking because some addicts ONLY think about bettering themselves and making sure THEY’RE okay. Never were your friends in the first place. But then I think, it’s hard enough to make sure i’m okay, maybe it’s better off this way. But I always snap right back to wishing just one friend would be true to me. I’m not sure where i’d be if I didn’t have my fiance supporting me through this terrible time..
Do you guys have friends? Do people help you when you’re sick? Do they genuinely care about you and your well being? I always believe these people care at first and I always think that they care about me but in the end it’s never, ever the case. But in the end I will always make sure that my friends aren’t sick and are feeling okay. I’m just wondering if any addicts have friends because in my eyes, heroin (or your drug of choice) can and will take you to places Jesus wouldn’t go, and I think you really do need friends at times like this. Whether these people are far or close, you need someone to be by your side. You need someone on your team, telling you that everything will be okay during this. These are the hardest times of your life.
My 4 Rehab Lessons.
This post is really to talk about last year when I went to rehab and what I learned while I was their. I went to Schenectady, for those of you who don’t know where that it it’s in New York, where I reside. No, not New York City (I know that’s what everybody automatically thinks when you say New York), it’s east central New York State, north of Albany. I’m from Upstate New York, in Watertown. So it’s almost three hours from where I live. I went to rehab after I died. No, that’s not a typing mistake, I literally died. I overdosed on heroin of course, and when I went to the hospital they had to give me two shots of narcan (a drug they administer to people who overdose on heroin, or any opiate, and usually one dose does the trick) and they also had to do the shockers on my chest to get my heart beating again. They told me if I would’ve came in two minuets later that I wouldn’t of made it. That’s insane, that’s one hundred and twenty seconds. That’s nothing! But anyway, narcan does this awesome thing and forces your body into instant withdraws, and because of the narcan, it makes it worse than it already is. Now think about this about this x2. Yup, I wanted to commit suicide about every hour. But I didn’t, I got my ass up and I went to Conifer Park Rehab. I liked it their, I mean it’s no spa, but I liked it. Some people say it’s ghetto and a lot of people don’t like it, well a lot of the people their were forced to be their from the court system and didn’t want to get clean at all. I’ll talk more about those very, very special fuckfaces more in this but right now i’ll start to explain what I’ve learned.
1. My Temper Is Far Worse Than I Thought It Was:
One of the worst things in rehab is knowing that you cannot punch these people right in their stupid faces. You’ll meet every type of person in rehab, you’ll meet the people that are their because they’re forced to be, whether that’s because of the court system, to get their children back, or the people that get to pick rehab or prison. So obviously these people do not want to get clean by any means, they just have to get through this. Then you have the alcoholics, the people that no longer have a brain (no offense). These people piss and shit themselves, and they have very poor hygiene. These people cannot think a straight thought anymore, they have a blank look on their faces, and you can even catch them drooling was they’re sitting in groups. Then the rich kids, the privileged kids who are their for something minor like they drink at parties and sometimes take pills. These kids have never known sickness in their lives, and they bring their uggs and diamonds to rehab like they’re not going to get stolen or anything.. Yeah.. Okay.. And you see, these people made me snap a few times. It’s a bunch of women bunched together, shit gets catty. The claws come out and I happen to be the type of person who doesn’t take anyone’s bullshit. I almost got kicked out a few times, one for running after a girl that was talking shit for stealing her “best friend”, and this girl was 27. Grow up. Another for just flipping right out. It was a sight to see, I’m sure you all would’ve gotten a kick out of that one. I did anyway.
2. Their Is No “Just One More Time”.
This is something I was already well aware of, but I put this as a topic because in rehab I have met people that haven’t smoked crack, done dope, whatever their drug of choice may be, for several years. I’m talking 10, 15 years, and then tragedy hits, or even they thought they were in a good enough place to be able to just do a hit or a shot and then not get into like before. Those people were wrong. Addiction doesn’t care if you’ve been clean for 15, 20, even 30 years, it will come back to bite you in your ass. You pick that up, even just once, you’re right back to where you were many years ago and you will lose everything you’ve worked so hard for.
3. You Will Have Dreams About Your Drug Of Choice.
I have heard about having dreams about heroin, yet I had never had one. Until I went to rehab, and was getting clean. I’m telling you right now, it was TERRIBLE. I didn’t know if it was real or fake, because in the dream it just felt so real. I remember it like it was last night. It was me, a person I used to use with, and one of the lady’s that worked at the rehab I was at. Weird right? Anyway, we were sitting on a bed, and one of them had about 3 bundles on them, and they put it on the bed. The two girls proceeded to take out their needles, spoons, tie offs, the whole works. I first asked them if I could join, and they told me no. I proceeded to beg them, please, just a couple bags? You have 3 bundles! Please!! And they said no some more, so I tried to grab one of the bundles, but I couldn’t get it, so I started crying and begging some more, I ended up falling on the ground sobbing, watching them use, and I was rocking myself back and forth. The last thing I remember is just crying, hysterically. When I woke up, I noticed tears down my face and sweat pouring down my whole body. That is something that I will always remember and I had no control over it. At that point I knew that addiction had me, and it had me good.
4. If You Want Something Done You Have To Do It Yourself!
I say this because when I was in rehab, I had to kind of take things into my own hands. You only meet with the nurse once, the psych once, and if you want any sort of special medication (suboxone, methadone, so on and so forth) then you have to do it yourself. I know that before they put you on suboxone then you have to find a doctor in your city/town. In my little city, theirs about two. And neither take new patients often, luckily for me, my dad was on suboxone with the same doctor for over 20 years, the doctor even gave my father a car so he could get a job! So I called him myself and he said he would be happy to be my suboxone doctor. The suboxone nurse is suppose to get you a doctor, but obviously she’s swamped with everyone’s paperwork. So, I said fuck these rules and went downstairs to the nurse manager and she helped me immensely. She got the nurse manager to pay attention to me, and get me an appointment with the suboxone doctor so I could take the required class before the administer the dose to you. So I took everything into my own hands and I got what I needed. Remember if you ever find yourself at rehab and everything is taking longer than you need it too, DO IT YOURSELF! Fuck em.
I think that’s all for now, obviously I’ve learned more than this but i’m getting a bit sleepy. Everyone have a safe night please! DO NOT EXCEED YOUR LIMITS, I cannot express that to addicts enough.
Know your worth, xo.
Good morning shot
Good morning everybody! Well, I just woke up so it’s morning for me anyway and that means I woke up, went pee and immediately did my wake me up shot so I can feel normal and begin my day.
The morning shot is like feeling the flu coming on, but with your body aching and your nose running, your feet moving and your body temperature all over the place, and then it all going away. It’s kind of amazing when you think about how much your body really needs this shot. It’s like something like you could never understand unless you’ve been through it. Your body craves it, it depends on it. It needs it more than you think and it shows you how bad you really do need it by the sickness. And when you have it, it’s like you’re normal. You’re YOU again. It’s really so much more than this too.It’s addiction. This morning for some reason I was thinking about rehab. I went to rehab last year, and right now i’m trying to get into detox. But I think later I’ll tell some things I’ve learned from my rehab experience, good and bad.
If you have anything you want me to throw in comment below. Or don’t.
I babble quite a bit in this one, but it’s worth a read.
So it’s about 630 pm, I woke up at about 1 pm, and I just did my third shot. Each shot is two bags, and usually it would’ve been my fourth but I had to wait for “my dude” (for those of you who don’t know who that is, it’s my dealer) to bring me my bundle. Each shot is two bags, sometimes if I have more than one bundle at a time I’ll do three. Each bundle usually is $100, but if they’re low and need the money for re-up or I have to go through my other person, than its around $140. I do two of these a day, unless we don’t have a lot of cash to spend, then it’s just one.
The point is, addiction is fucking expensive, and I do a lot. And of course, a waiting game.
When I say waiting game, it’s because drug dealers are known for being slow. Someone once said for every 10 years you’re an addict, you spend 7 of them waiting. And that’s 100% the truth, whether you’re waiting to get money, waiting for your dealer, or waiting for your dealer to re-up, you’re always going to have to wait somehow. But when you get it, it’s all worth it. The thousands of dollars a month, the hours wasted waiting, in that time when your needle hits the vein and the blood rushes in, in your addict way of thinking, it’s completely worth everything. And if you’ve done it long enough guilt sets in as well, why am I doing this? I’m ruining my life. But in a couple hours you’ll do it again. For people who don’t do heroin, they look at us like we’re fucking nuts. They say how much of fuck ups we are, how we must have diseases because we all share needles (I’ve been an addict for years and have never once used someones needle), and how we can quit anytime, we just don’t want too. How the sickness isn’t as bad as we make it out to be. Welllllll, those people are wrong.
When you shoot heroin for the first time it’s like nothing else before. You have never felt this feeling before. The needle goes in your skin quick, the plunger pulls back, and the blood rushes in, I didn’t know it then but this has grown to be my favorite part. It’s my favorite part because I know that I’ve hit my vein and as soon as I push the dope in i’ll get the warm body, heavenly experience I’ve grown to need. I watched Drugs Inc on heroin and one of the many addicts they show said, it’s like a mothers hug when you have it and a fathers slap when you don’t. But that’s like saying the sun is yellow.. there’s so much more to it. It is everything, it’s so much more than you were expecting. When I first felt it, I fell into an oblivious, irresistible, infatuation. The rush was something that I’d never felt, it was so sudden. The fastest high I have ever felt. I was so scared of needles and always had been, so I was dreading it, and I was so scared that it would hurt. I didn’t know what to do myself obviously so I had one of my, then, best friends do it. She couldn’t find a vein and poked me a couple times, (she wasn’t very good at it because I had virgin veins and anyone else could have done it in there sleep) and then she finally got it. It took maybe 4 seconds and then, the rush came on like a ton of bricks.. It was insane. It went through my body as a snake goes through grass. My body temperature raised slowly but surely, and my heart rate slowed down. This wasn’t by any means the first opiate I had done, before this I did a lot of pills and suboxones, never addicted though. I also snorted heroin 3 or 4 times before I got talked into shooting it. After I got shot up though, I never once went back. It’s the highest high you can be, it’s the ultimate way of getting high. It goes straight to your blood stream. All that was going through my head was wow.. I can’t believe I wouldn’t of done this sooner.
But that was then, and this is now. Now, I wish I would have never done it. But when I see that blood fill up, it feels like home in a sense that it’s normal to me. It makes me feel normal. When I push that plunger down it’s like I am set free. Without it, I am not myself. I’m sick, i’m crying, I can’t move, I can’t eat, I can’t do anything until I do my shot. Your body grows to need it and you go through withdraws, which i’m sure if you’re reading a blog about heroin addiction, you already know. We’ll talk more about withdraws, and everything else in other posts. Now I think i’ll wrap this up, i’ve been writing this one about all day, only because i’ll write a little, go do something and come back to it. It’s now 12:52 and i’m about to do a shot and get in my PJ’s. If anybody wants a specific topic to be brought up, please comment and let me know. This one I just randomly blabbered about anything that came to mind that second. I promise from now on my posts will be about one certain topic each day. Hold your heads high and lets have a moment of thought for the still, sick and suffering reading this and not reading this. Everyone have a good night and BE SAFE, most important thing.
Anything anyone needs from me, don’t hesitate to comment, please. That includes advice, (I was just clean for over 200 days before I relapsed a couple months ago so I do know a thing or two about addiction and recovery) support, or even just to talk, I will literally help a fellow addict, a mother of an addict, a friend of an addict, anyone with anything they need help with. I love you all, and you are ALL worth something, please don’t ever forget your worth.
I’ll be back tomorrow morning with a topic, now i’m finally going to stop babbling.
Lets start here..
This is a blog for addicts, maybe a mother with a child who’s an addict, or anyone wondering or wanting to understand addiction. Now this may be for you and it may not. I’ll talk about my addiction, as i’m still using. I go back to rehab for the second time in a few days because after being clean for over 200 days clean, I fucked up. I’ll explain everything in my second post, I just want people to understand what this will be about. These posts will be raw, unedited, uncensored, and real.
I will not hold back, I will not sugar coat shit. Addiction isn’t a sugar coated la la land, so this blog won’t be either.
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